"That nothing is static and fixed, that all is fleeting and impermanent, is the first mark of existance. It is the ordinary state of affairs. Everything is in process. Everything - every tree, every blade of grass, all the animals, insects, human beings, buildings, the animate and the inanimate - is always changing, moment to moment." ~ Pema Chodron, Buddhist Nun
I cling to the words of the Dharma for solace. The words hold no meaning for me. They do not comfort me. They do not encourage me. They do not help me see the truth. The only truth I see is loss. The only truth I feel is grief.
I walk the alleyways of Nelson attempting to capture in my memory and my camera the love I feel for this place. I love the alleys. I walk them regularly and in summer, constantly, when Baker Street is saturated with tourists. I love the rustic old telephone poles and the characters I meet between the buildings. Soon the poles will be gone. Removed because they are deemed dangerous and old fashioned. When I return the alleyways where I once walked will be different. Nelson will be different. I will be different.
The loss and grief that is permeating me is crippling. It sucks the joy out of my remaining days here. Replacing joy with sorrow at the sacrifices I must make to fulfill my dream. I wish for time to speed up. To propel me instantly into a new space, a new phase so I can be excited, anxious and overwhelmed. So that I will have no time or energy to dwell on what and who I am leaving behind. I wish to be reunited with my loves in Vancouver so that I may soften this horrible ache in my chest. So I may take a deep breath again without physical pain and emotional sorrow. So my mind and heart are occupied with newness and adventure.
The Buddha teaches that our emotions are controlled by our thoughts and my thoughts are toxic. I crave equanimity and it is fleeting. I crave acceptance and it is illusive. I crave peace and it is rare. My thoughts rob me of what could be a joyous moment. I wish I could leave today.